A Woman Defined

Art & Culture by Mahvash Mossaed

Longing to be Whole Again

September 2, 2013

(An excerpt from my writings)

I woke up very early this morning. When I have to get up and leave the house as unusually early as this, I get an empty, butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s the same strange feeling I get when I wake up in the middle of the night and feel as though my soul is stark naked, and the whole truth about me and my life is under the spotlight. There are no more illusions and no more delusions. I have nowhere to hide – it’s as if I were facing, alone and naked, the moment of resurrection and judgment. I feel like I’m dreaming: I’m on the twentieth floor of a building, and all of a sudden, I’m falling down to the street – it’s cold, empty, and lonely in this free fall.

At this odd hour, even the rabbits, in their burrow in the atrium under our abandoned Jacuzzi, are not yet awake. Usually the rabbits and I wake up at the same time, and I lie in bed watching them for a while through the sliding glass door of the bedroom. Sometimes, as they run around, one will come very close to the glass, and we’ll look into each other’s eyes. Then it will run back to its home underground, as if it’s been caught naked and has to go and put something on.

It’s 5 a.m. by the clock in my car, as I start the drive. I have been searching for all the bits and pieces of myself for a long time, in everything and everyone, digging deeper and deeper, polishing my soul, hungry to fit together the puzzle pieces of the universe and to discover my role in it. I’ve been trying to find out who I am, what I’m doing here, and where I’m going after I shed this temporary body and leave on my long voyage into the unknown.

As I am driving, I think about how I have been painfully trying to gather together all the bits and pieces of myself, when I’ve really been looking for my whole self. I think everything we do and everything we desire comes from longing to be whole again, as we once were, in tune with the universe before our birth separated us from our source.

I think to myself, I’m looking for that essence lost and hidden way down within me. My soul, oh, I did not seek you. You came up to me yourself, so kindly and gracefully, as I was biting into the beauty of your world. You tapped me on the shoulder and called me by my name. You took my hand to your heart and let me feel your pulse, and from then on, all I wanted was to be one, to be connected with you… and with me.

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